You Guys Cool?

There’s something weird about this moment. People are hesitant to show human emotion. To share the hurt or the struggle. It’s like we’ve all been programmed to be “okay” no matter what. What’s going on is not okay and it’s completely normal to cry randomly in the middle of the day. It’s normal to be overwhelmed. To be fraught with anxiety, To be numb and feel nothing at all. To dive into work. It get angry. To avoid. It’s all okay. But we don’t share emotions -we share facts and statistics and belief systems. We share thoughts when desperately, desperately, desperately, we need to share what we are experiencing. I can feel the weight of this reality everyday and I know I have to move it. Move me body, clear my mind, connect with people I love. It’s painful but it’s the way forward. I find that when I share my struggle other people share theirs- which is beautiful. But sometimes I get the “are you okay?” texts. Am I okay? No. And that’s completely okay. Are you okay? You don’t have to be. It’s like we are supposed to be “cool” and functional and fine no matter what. How strange. We are not robots. Why do we do that? I guess we are experts at avoiding pain so we hide or suppress or numb or pretend. But that is where to true “not okay-ness” lies. In those details.

I’m not okay. I’m working through all of this. And I’m okay with that. It’s extra uncomfortable to hide or deny the full soulfulness of this experience. And maybe that’s too much for some people, maybe they don’t want to go there. That’s fine. I will do what works for me and what works for me is not being “cool” and “okay” right now. It’s crying and laughing and dancing like a maniac to move the weight.